Before Caden was born I was fortunate to only know how to parent "typical" children. I would go to their checkups eager to brag about all the milestones they had reached and walk away proud as punch that my children were doing so well. I would call all the grandparents to say that so and so was in the "90th percentile for height" or the doctor was so impressed at how many words she could say. I have now entered a whole new world of parenting.
Today I brought Caden in for one of his check-ups. Instead of walking out of there eager to call everyone to say how great he is doing I walked out of the doctor's office in tears with a referral to a neurologist. Caden is in the 5th percentile for height, weight, and head circumference. He is also a little bit rigid in some of his joints which could be an indicator of other problems. I thought we had covered about every aspect of Caden's health that was possible; we are now needing to see a neurologist. I just feel a bit defeated today. It seems just after we feel things are settling down something else arises and our world turns upside down again.
Being a mother has always been the greatest source of joy in my life. I am now experiencing some of the deepest pain I think a mother can experience. Being unsure of what is going on with your child and seeing your child in pain is extremely difficult. Caden seems like such a mystery sometimes. I never realized how"typical" my other children were until I had Caden. The uncertainty of all of this is really taking a toll. Where will all of this lead to? What does Caden's future look like? I guess in reality I really don't even know the answers to those questions for my other children.
For now, I will continue to pray, take things one day at a time, and be thankful for all the many blessings that I DO have. I will try not to question too much, and I will give Caden all the love in this mother's heart.
Mary
My Dear Mary, You are doing such an amazing job with all 4 of your children. I wish I could take some of the pain away. I just truly believe that Caden will surprise us all. He has so much love surrounding him and the best parents a child could have. My prayers and love are always with you. Mom
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs Mary and I'm sorry to hear that there is even more worry for you all. Caden is so precious and VERY blessed to have you as his Mom!
ReplyDeleteWill's head was off the charts and I was worried for months that it could be something "else", turned out his just has a big head.
Breathe and be strong.
Kate
I agree iwth your mom...Caden will surprise us all. A friendly reminder of your quote...Be happy in this moment, this moment is your life~
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong. You are patient, loving, brave and so inspiring. You will do well and make the most out of this incredible journey with Caden and your family.
Mary,I am so sad to read about your difficult times. I empathize - I remember the feeling in those early days of filling out the developmental paperwork before each well-check and realizing that no - my baby doesn't do this, or this or that either. I had no frame of reference since she was our first baby, but to check those "not yet" boxes made me feel the weight of what we were dealing with more acutely.
ReplyDeleteI pray that the deep pain you are feeling will eventually be tempered with some of your deepest joy (I think it will). Which is not to disregard your pain - it is real and raw. But I'm thinking about Spring 2011 - and imagining your Caden outside playing with his sisters. Buds will be blossoming on trees as a soft breeze blows - and your Caden will be blossoming before your very eyes. What a blessed boy Caden is to have you as a mom.
With much love and respect for all you're going through...*h
Caden is so lucky that you were chosen to be his mom...as are your girls. Keep up the good work mama!
ReplyDeletehugs,
Sharon
Oh Mary!! Many hugs and prayers for you. I'm thinking of you so much and wish I could so something as your friend to help. You are amazing.
ReplyDeleteOh Mary... Such honest, heartbreaking words... and like Hannah, I empathize with you so much.
ReplyDeleteThese words of hers could not say it better... "I pray that the deep pain you are feeling will eventually be tempered with some of your deepest joy (I think it will). Which is not to disregard your pain - it is real and raw."
What you are going through is "normal," but that doesn't make it any easier. I hope you understand that in the midst of all this pain and sadness, you are being the most amazing mama to Caden. Of all the things your heart and mind might be questioning right now, please don't question that.
I know the hurdles seem huge - - insurmountable - - right now. But you can conquer them step-by-step, one day at a time. And I agree with your mom... Caden has all kinds of surprises up his little sleeves. Those surprises, the everyday miracles you will experience with him and through him, will help you over each hurdle.
Sending you much love,
Kristi
You know? I knew nothing about the height and weight percentile chart until Jonathan was 3 years old. I was at the park and all the moms were talking about where their kids were on the "chart". To the amazement of them all I asked, "what chart?". Geeze - you'd a thought I committed a crime! And years ago I had a parent of a student tell me their daughter fit in the palm of their hand when she was born. By the time she was four - she was the biggest in the class. I had another tell me their son weighed 10 pounds when born - turns out he was the smallest in the class. Numbers on a chart will never compare to the number of times Caden will make you smile, or the number of times you'll feel a ping in your heart because he reaches a milestone (tiny as it may be), or the number of times you will stop, look at your family, and feel contentment because you are helping to make them who they are. So in the words of Christopher Robins to Pooh, "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem...." Listen to your inner voice and continue to be the mom that Caden needs you to be - AND - be good to yourself - Love, Aunt Gail
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are always with you guys and I cannot wait to see you and baby Caden again soon. We back east love him so much already and are all here with you through this.
ReplyDeleteMy love to everyone,
Your cousin Alex
xox
An event happened with one of my kids (I'll share with you someday, if you want) and here's how I felt: I wanted it to be 10 years later right now- so I didn't have to go through anything scary,or unpleasant and I would know how it all turned out without having to live it. It's almost 10 years later and it's never going to be all over and it's OK. I'm braver now. It's life. One day at a time. There is so much good that happens everyday, try to focus on that when the future looks so uncertain and scary. Your life is shaping you all into who you will be when you get "there". You are and will be even more amazing.
ReplyDeleteMiss Sally
Happy Mother's Day to one FABULOUS mother!!!!!!!! You are doing such an outstanding job with all four of your beautiful children.
ReplyDeleteMay God always bless you and keep you and love you. And... enjoy all the ups and downs and quarters lost! Gi-normous hugs to all 6 of you and have a lovely weekend. You are in our prayers....
I remember running into a very nice mom at Target when lily was able to finally sit up in the cart by herself. Her daughter was around the same age but much bigger. She started saying "Oh she's in the 98th percentile for height/weight." I said quickly " well my Lily is in the 3rd percentilae" and smiled pleased as punch. She quickly said that it was nice to meet me and hurried away. I did not cry. I kept smiling because there was brief moment of "educatio n" for sa typical" parent, that all kids are not the same. If she would have stuck around, i would have told her about Charge as well! Keep your chin up because Caden will surprise you!!
ReplyDeleteCaden will surprise you.